Part 2 - Leave the past in the past

Khalid and I had dated for about 2 years.  Because we had been so serious we eventually told my family and his.  My father was very upset in the beginning, but he got to know Khalid and saw that we really cared for each other.  Eventually he lightened up.  Our families became good friends over the years and I felt as though his mom was my second mom.  They never saw the side of us though that wasn't all fairytales and butterflies.  In the beginning Khalid had been the perfect boyfriend.  We got along great and I could act completely myself around him.  And let's just say the fact that he didn't run away then says a lot.  I thought I had found the man I was going to marry.  He'd talk to me about our engagement and how it would go, how our wedding would be, and even what we'd name our children and where we'd go for family vacations.

I always knew Khalid had secrets, a past, things I didn't fully know about.  But I thought I knew who he was now and tried to put anything else aside.  I found out the hard way that I only knew one part of him, and the other part I wish I had never met.  He became unbelievably controlling, trying to get me to stop seeing any of my friends-friends I had known a long time before I met him.  I found out he smoked, not just cigarettes, and would always lie to me about it.  He had a whole other life I was never a part of.  I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of it even if I had known, but it still hurt to find that out much later.  I also came to find out that while my friend was visiting his friends over summer he would constantly hit on her and try to do things with her.  She never told me to spare my feelings, I had been through enough with him.  I understand why she didn't tell me.

All of this to say, Khalid broke my heart.  I wasn't sad when we broke up, I knew it was time.  He broke my heart in a way I hadn't expected.  I've never missed him or wanted him back.  But I find that now I can't trust any guys or let myself get close to them.  If I do, I end up pushing them away and acting like a freak.  Khalid really left some scars.

The day we broke up was horrible.  We were having another one of our insane fights.  Screaming and shouting and horrible insults being said.  I had finally had enough.  I told him if he didn't stop acting like this that we would be over, it was his choice.  He said "Okay, I guess we're over then."  I walked away from him that day with him following me, begging me to take him back because he didn't mean what he had said.  I was so happy he said it though.  I was finally free.